Aftermath
by Welshwitch
Summary: McCall relives something from the past
1. Aftermath

Aftermath  
  
It's always the same after you finish a case, you hand it over to the DA and that's the end of it. It's out of your hands and you move on to the next case. Sometimes the file is not enough and you have to testify. But the worst cases are those with an aftermath, the ones that never really get out of your system, the ones that can haunt you for a long time. I thought I had given it a place in my life, finally not having those nightmares anymore. Trusting people again, especially men. But this last case brought it all back again, the fear, the nightmares and the incredible loneliness. The wall has been rebuilt, only this time not made out of bricks, no reinforced concrete pulled up so high no one is gonna bring it down.  
  
It started three weeks ago when Hunter and I were called to a crime scene. The partially dressed body of a middle-aged woman was lying on a bed, she'd been raped and strangled. Everything in the room was telling us she put up a hell of a fight. Since I had been raped these kind of cases got to me, they made me uncomfortable. I knew exactly what that woman went through. Hunter knew this and understood if I had to leave the scene, but this time he needed me. In the next room officers had found a young girl hiding in the closet, also partially undressed and very scared, she had obviously been beaten. Knowing my ability to make people feel at ease in these kind of situations he called for me to come in. I managed to talk her out of her hiding place, that's when I saw she had been raped as well. The bruises on her legs and thighs told me so. My heart broke into a million pieces that moment and all I could think about was getting out of there fast. I handed her over to the EMT's and went to the car. My head resting in my hands, closing my eyes and seeing those pleading eyes as I walked out of the room, eyes pleading for me to stay, pleading for help just like I had done that day.  
  
Damn! I thought I had given this the right place with a big lock and chain on it, never to come out again. You never get over this, you put it somewhere save, only with me it wasn't save enough it came back and hit me, hard. He got in next to me placing his hand on my back and gently rubbing it asking if I was okay even though he knew I wasn't. I lied telling him I was fine now but wanted to go. That night I locked the front door behind me not knowing I wasn't going to leave the house for a while. If it had been possible to build that concrete wall around my house I would have done it. I was tired and went to bed, falling asleep almost immediately. Later that night I woke up screaming and sweating, they had returned stronger than ever. That same nightmare again, only this time I wasn't just being raped he tried to strangle me as well. Still he had no face, it was just a shadow attacking me. The nightmare kept me from sleeping, every time I closed my eyes it started again. By the time my alarm clock went off I was exhausted so I called in sick telling I had the flu, not realizing at the time that Hunter would be at my doorstep two hours later. Part of me wanted him there, he always makes me feel that I can conquer the world, that it will be fine. The part of me that didn't want him there won, that part didn't want to drag him through this again. I sure gave him a hard time the first time around. This time I wouldn't let him in, not in my house and not in my heart. Hunter is a hard man to get rid off but when he saw that I meant what I said, that I wasn't gonna let him in, he left. He would be back, I knew it. I spend the next few days either on the couch watching TV or in the shower trying to wash away the dirty feeling I had. Every time I fell asleep I woke up screaming, having had that same dream again. This wasn't my life anymore something took over and I couldn't fight it anymore. The thought of ending it entered my mind a couple of times but my will to live was stronger, thank god.  
  
Saturday night, I had been home for a week and a half. I was tired from not sleeping and tired of fighting off Hunter. He wasn't going to leave me alone, he came back every day until I got mad and told him that if he wouldn't leave me be I never wanted to see him again. If he wasn't coming around he would call, my answering machine put in a lot of overtime. Finally he stopped coming and the phone calls stopped too. In my heart I knew I had hurt him badly, but at that moment I didn't care, all I wanted was to be left alone. Sitting on the couch, not wanting to fall asleep, I was going through some old photo books. Looking at the happy, careless times in my life. Pictures of Steve and me on holiday, at a family gathering and my wedding pictures. Pictures of Hunter and me at the annual police dance, at his place, on the beach. One picture triggered a memory, it had been taken at the last police dance. Besides us there was a third person in it, Bill Thompson a sergeant with Vice. He quit because he couldn't handle the job anymore he was burned out, or as Hunter revered to it, he had hit the wall. Bill never got any help and eventually he took his life by jumping off a cliff. Maybe that's what's wrong with me, I got too involved and hit the wall. My emotions took over from common sense, I couldn't put it aside anymore, a moment every cop fears. My hand was on the phone and before I knew it I was dialing that familiar number. I heard hid sleepy voice on the other end and told him I needed his help. He was standing at my front door within fifteen minutes and this time I let him in. He just wrapped his strong arms around me not saying anything, I collapsed and woke up in my bed hours later. My eyes met his and I could see love, concern, warmth but also hurt. When you spend so much time with a person you learn to read them like a book, he didn't have to say anything I already knew. I should have let him in and help me earlier. He asked me what was wrong, I broke down in tears and couldn't stop. Sitting down next to me he gathered me in his arms, making me feel save and loved. I told him I was afraid that I had hit the wall. He looked at me and told me no, I had missed it by inches because I realized in time that I needed help. He asked me again what was wrong, This time I told him about the case and what it did to me. Bringing back the nightmare, the dirty feeling, the pain and foremost the fear. The fear in that girls eyes brought everything back. The tears started to come down again. Still in his arms I felt myself slipping away, exhausted as I was, and trying to fight the sleep. Hunter told me it would be okay, he would stay with me, holding me. It didn't help, I woke up half an hour later screaming. He comforted me, wondering out loud what he could do to help me. In this moment of total weakness and desperation I told him to just shoot me. I scared him, I could tell by the look on his face but he also knew I didn't mean it.  
  
The night was rough, I felt bad because Hunter wasn't getting much sleep either, he didn't complain. Later that morning he came up to the bedroom with some tea and told me he had a surprise. A friend of his owned a cabin a few hours north, he arranged with him that he could use it for a while. He had also called Charlie and explained everything, he got all the time he needed from him to help me. We left the same day. They say mountain air is good for you, well they are right. The place he brought me to was breathtaking. A gorgeous cabin by a lake, mountains and woods all around us and the smell, so clear. The porch had a swinging seat, it became mine from day one, sitting there watching the day pass. I even sat there some nights when the nightmare wouldn't leave me alone. Hunter would come sit with me, holding me. These are the moments I wonder what I would ever do without him. For the second time in my life he is tearing down a wall, the wall I so carefully build. A lot of people would take a sledgehammer to tear it down but not Hunter. He's taking it down bit by bit. One day, we were there for about a week now, he took me for a long walk through the woods. First I didn't understand why he had to drag someone who was already exhausted in the first place, through these woods and hills. Later, when we got back, I did. For the first time in weeks I slept, it was only half a night but I got some rest. It was the first step to become me again. The next day I was sitting on the swing when Hunter sat down next to me, ha had called Charlie and found out that the guy responsible for the rapes and the murder had been caught. That news did a lot to me, it was like a weight fell off my shoulders. The only thing I could do was cry, I was so relieved. Finally the nightmare is leaving me, going behind lock and key again, my mind found rest. My wall has come down, for the biggest part anyway. Everything is going back to where it should be slowly. I am closing the book of aftermaths, not letting them get to close to me again. As for Hunter? He's become the center of my life, but what I feel for him is another story. 


	2. Love is

Love is  
  
Love is knowing someone would go to hell and back for you and so much more. Love is also something you can't always explain, a wonderful feeling, an adrenaline rush, feeling at ease with someone. Someone to love is something most people want, some people already have and other haven't found the right person yet. I have, it took me a while to realize, but he had been right under my nose for several years.  
  
After those weeks in the cabin, where he helped me get my life back in order, Hunter and I went home to LA. We immediately fell into our normal routine of going to work, having the occasional lunch together and going to our separate homes at the end of the day. As that first week crept along a certain feeling came over me, I missed him. I missed having him around, his warm and save embrace, his smell, all of him. There was only one thing I could do about it, go to his place and tell him how I felt. I packed some stuff, I don't now why but I did, and drove to his house. His car was in it's usual spot so I knew he was home. He didn't answer the door when I knocked so I went through the gate to the back of the house. There he was sitting in one of the chairs sleeping, no wonder he hadn't heard me. I went over and gently kissed him on his forehead, he opened his eyes and I looked into those beautiful baby blues. The smile he gave me when he saw me melted my heart, yes I loved this man with everything I had. He didn't ask why I came, knowing Hunter he knew why I was there. I told him I needed to talk with him, so I did. After I said what I had to say I knew for sure, he loved me too. The kiss we shared seemed to last forever, he is such a great kisser, so warm and gentle and yet so passionate. It was hard to control the feeling to make love to him right there, I wanted him. I didn't have to wait long, he sensed my need and before I knew it we were in the bedroom on his bed. The love making was even better, gentle, passionate and so good. He made me tingle and shiver all over my body, knowing exactly where to caress me, kiss me, touch me. When he came inside me I thought I was gonna explode, all these sensations washed over me. There are no words to describe the feeling when we reached our highest point, no words. I didn't want him to leave me, I wanted this to last forever. My head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing I fell asleep. When I woke up he was gone. I put on some clothes and went down to the living room, no Hunter. Through the window I saw him standing outside watching the sunset. I went over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, he turned around, facing me. There was doubt in his eyes, I asked him what was wrong. He told me he felt like he had taken advantage of me, making love to me in a vulnerable moment. I told him not to worry, that I wanted it and that he made me feel great. His smile was one of relief and he kissed me. We watched the sun go down, sitting in the sand enjoying each other's company.  
  
The next morning I woke up in his arms, he was still sleeping. Carefully I slipped out of his embrace and got out of bed. While I was making coffee, I looked out of the kitchen window the view amazed me, waves crashing on the shore, the sun coming up over the horizon. Suddenly I felt his arms wrap around me wishing me a good morning, I turned around and greeted him with a kiss. We decided to have our coffee outside on the deck. Hunter was reading the morning paper and I was watching him. I'm glad I finally told him, he needed to know. It was worth the risk of losing him as my partner and friend, if it hadn't been mutual it would have changed our relationship. I can still remember the look on his face as I told him, it had a 'finally she tells me' kinda look. He was so relieved and glad he could tell me he felt the same for so long. As I sit here watching him I know without any doubt, this is the man I want to grow old with. A single tear rolled down my face, slowly, another thought had entered my mind, the thought of my first true love, Steve. I knew he'd be watching me, smiling, knowing I had made the right choice and being happy for me.  
  
Someone had asked me once if I knew what true love is, I know now, It's Hunter. 


End file.
